I declined as I felt it would show too much interest and also I dont, as Ive said before, intend to police him. Of course he had no answer. Its oatmeal, a cup of tea and just read, read, read. Satori Go ahead and cry you eyes out. Youve let him know your intentions. When I asked him if the EA was worth it .at least Im still aliveyup, having an EA saved his life. H wont be honest, because that would be having to break away from the FOO and do things differently. TryingHard I do not think it is sustainable. Things changed DDay2 (for me). He begged and begged. I also think you should maintain as little contact as possible. But right now it feels like it is. I feel this site is a godsend AND sanity saver. I know others have said this but its true: work on you. So yes Doug and LInda have been a Godsend and I didnt find this place until about two years out from DDay. Which was the polar opposite of his attitude the day before. UGH. I heard the whole your so hot (in my 50s) so many guys would love to be in a relationship with you. Time heals and hopefully time will help push these feelings away. Stand firm and be clear with your decisions. 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars. Yes he was gone for 3 months. I have met many women who say they are just hanging on until all the kids are in college. I finally went to the doctor last week and was diagnosed with anxiety / panic disorder and depression. get over it, get on with it, put it behind us and lets sweep this unpleasantness under the rug) is all further victimisation and invalidating in every way possible. Ah TryingHard, Looking forward to Part 2 of your crazy. My niece said you know this isnt helping right. Stay away from him. Yes, the voice was talking to me. Big sigh. Just because H doesnt value, want to work on nor take seriously the M vows does not mean I dont. I still struggle to let go because I did have love for her although I see now she really never loved me. There is always a cost and a lesson, I am thankful that I have had such experts both in the real world and with you and everyone here at EAJ to assist me to decode each. Thanks anyway Dad. And really did you honestly expect anything different from them? For the moment, probs best to try and get some sleep. Im still so early on this learning curve. 3 years seems like a long time if I was to put myself into that kind of trajectory, it feels uncertain. No room for three people in a relationship. Guess thats a no. So we decided to set aside one hour a week to talk about issues.I had to fight for that hour every damn time. No breakdowns in front of them. He is the one that has to make an effort to regain trust and hiding under his bed in his apartment that you moved his pathetic ass into!!!!! Only lack of confidence in oneself, one's feelings is capable of pushing one to such a "feat". None of my friends do. At least 50 per cent of all people getting married get a case of either cold feet or seem to have feet that want to run away from the altar. Thanks for your good wishes. So your only choice is to let your lawyer do your talking. Sometimes when I think of what my ex and her bf did, I feel bitterness creep into my heart. He was still seeing her. He is all puffed up with this uber confidence at the moment so I suspect the A has begun again. second you need to find a good counselor to support you through this nightmare. Im greatful for that. In a way I am glad that he is checking every box as you listed. Hes acting selfish and childish because hes been exposed. I hope we all get some peace, and of course, healing. Bottom line he refused to sign the documents, said he wanted to continue to talk. Throwing a 49th is very cool. Until I put my H on the plane that felt true. Im happy to own my part and said Ill work through anything with him but M can only work going forward with counseling. So I took off in my wedding dress. Its a game of survival. So when TryingHard mentions how someone can be inspired, who knows how / when etc that occurs. He manned up and did the hard work. I called her repeatedly to please bring my wallet, or HER wallet. And periods where he was someone I didnt know sadly and wanted a D. But in the end he ended the A on his own and begged for a chance. At least the conversation must seem somewhat interesting / worthy of picking up, although Im not sure my nervous breakdown here is anything special or unique LOL!! Because oh my darling. Remember Gods Justice is not the same as mans. He is changing like the weather. Im shopping about an hour away so I dont see anyone I know. Hes doing great. People are free to listen or not. He has been my rock during this hurricane. For the week he left he moved in with the OW. Not his. This is what I call the put on the bitch boot stage. ROFLMAO as they acronym goes (rolling on floor laughing my a&@ off). We are dried up old hags. Own nothing about your husbands cheating. It is difficult to settle on love when seductive alternatives are all around. Especially not when we are putting on our big girl and big boy panties gearing up for war. I advocate to getting bad ass empowered by any means necessary. Cue major insights in the pre dawn hours! More distancing is not going to be helpful. Lol same response. yes I do. My former drama-free life that is. Even now he admits how stupid that idea was. A friend of mine who lost a child to a late term miscarriage had this to say about grief. He was driven to it even!!! Its been 2 years for me and the grief is still there to a point. I hope whatever struggles you are experiencing you are supported by your loving family members. Or is my situation too far gone so he will keep going do you think? You are going to have to list all expenses and assets. TFW: you thought distance could be a good thing, I dont feel it. Every week he is sick with something else. I kind of collapsed last night when I got home. I think it takes sheer determination and strength of character to get through your spouses affair. Current mood? Took up entering marathons Even including the on the couch, beer and phone, no engagement. We all choose our path to R or to D. I chose to love unconditionally trying every day to live with grace, humility, and forgiveness. And I dont really consider that censoring her as such. Psuedo Mutuality. He actually made the changes I asked for. It doesnt feel like he is ambivalent, more like he is emboldened for some reason. But kind of like you dont see who someone is nor what they are capable of until they are put into high stress situations, I had only ever seen him as easy going and loyal, calm, quiet etc. I followed him out and he got in his car to drive off and through the window I said Well how do you think this works? Silence. So you think this has something to do with communication styles? I am a brazilian 59 yo man. I also cant believe she actually knew he was having an affair. A little too big brother for my taste so I dont read them let alone participate. After being NC and just generally keeping to myself it is easy not to talk about R. Mimulus or Gubastik: recommendations for planting and care in open ground, Codonanta: rules for growing flowering creepers, Nivyanik or Chamomile meadow: tips for planting and care in the open field. The social factor is also important. Women have done it too. What can you do with that? That is a lot to face at once. But infidelity is a non negotiable. She was scared of me until the day she died just last month! Will it be easy? Suffocation. BSA Do not keep quiet about your abandonment. Ihlotshaniswa nomlingiswa okhathazekile nosolisayo, lapho yena (yena), ngenxa yezizathu zomuntu siqu nezenhlalo, esaba ukushada. Carefully considering both your responses TH. My sons said in that town if you dont have a gun or a life they dont bother with you. Not to mention if she wants to immigrate to here eventually, shed already be on file and not in a good way. Try yoga sign up for a karate class. Apparently, I was deemed codependent also and I had suffered from bouts of general anxiety. His current thesis is that Ill be fine because my family will take care of me. Then he told me that he thought a good friend of ours would ask me out immediately. The circle of trust is tiny!! Tips for cultivating at home. If they were the Hs would be all happy and shiny. The million-dollar question is why people just up and run away one day without giving their spouse a shred of warning. But in the end it was all just plain and simple crap that life throws at you. A musical play based on the story of Jennifer Wilbanks opened on March 13, 2008, at the Red Clay Theater in Duluth, Georgia. Youre a champ and I hope things improve for you all soon ShiftingImps x, OMG just saw the greatest meme that I just had to share with all my brothers and sisters, CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION FAIR WARNING THERE ARE SWEAR WORDS IS THIS. Find one person, anyone, sister, friend, therapist you can trust and who has good judgement to talk to. lol.???? Does he want to fix this or throw out cliches?? Trying Hard: I know that had to be hard to type out and bring up those memories. That is just me. If Switzerland did not exist, much of the damage could have either been stopped in its tracks and reversed or minimised. The infidelity is not the thing that has crushed me the most weirdly. TFW heard divorce in less than a month many times. So by mid June I had enough and left. He told me he thinks about me every day. It was the fact that our counselor was peeling back the layers of lies and was about to expose her affair. He always came home when I texted him that dinner was ready. She had to petition Doug and Linda like a little tattle tale third grader!! They used to email eachother all the time. I am sure it must have had a very tough time. Its maddening! My wife gave me her ILYBNILWY talk in March of 2015. They might also have thought that the compromise they are making is not profound enough to warrant canceling the wedding and hurting their partner and other people. I really challenged my self during my trips. Clearly Im up to speed now LOL. [17], Last edited on 11 December 2022, at 00:04, Learn how and when to remove this template message, "Runaway Bride? Im thinking he doesnt have a lawyer yet? So we have R but it is a long hard road at times. Although he left and never spoke to her again. I yelled you should have answered your effing phone. But I was clueless about MLC. She is so early in this process and I know that she will have many tough times ahead. You cut off the visit as you have a meeting elsewhere. I could not stop for days. Im not out of the woods yet. H can now see his friends all he wants. Im thinking no. This in about two weeks from when he left me. My first question is regarding her waning affection. He got a taste of what Im thinking if D is in play the other night and he didnt like it at all and he stormed off. (1), a social chameleon who would wear a completely different identity depending on who they were talking to, a sneaky, underhanded way of operating in the world that ONLY those closest to them ever get a glimpse of. She came over today (with a bottle of champagne) to let me know she wants to be friends that she loves me and misses me. Groucho Marx. Dont bother with the rest. It will not be an easy road. And that we cannot deny grief its due. She could do no wrong. beach. SI. You will always wonder if it will happen again. And this what makes covert narcissism sodamaging and dangerous:the nature of the disorder is such that you are brainwashed into thinking you are dealing with a human being with a morality, perhaps even a pillar of the community. Has anyone had experience with this and how to R? And that is what has most likely got me into this mess: my feeling so responsible, while H just does whatever he wants. I may be younger however that does not mean I should be treated like that. Something to consider through this: no matter the outcome of your marriage, this is a chance for a new beginning. For the past week I have been dealing with my insurance company to remove my son from my car insurance policy. I told him he had to leave. Something cheaters never had or lost along their way. Sometimes I wondered if Id be happier if she didnt come home. Getting away will do wonders for your head. ! My response was Why didnt you just tell me in plain English. Your timing couldnt be better. I can only give you hope that your H comes back. I was gone almost 2 weeks. You know? I sure hope Satori hasnt been run off from EAJ because of one commenters petty complaint. Im not sure if thats true for everyone but it has been for me. And dont forget at that stage she had him on a plane to visit her and stay for nearly a month. Personally, I will no longer be an emotional dumping ground!! I think she knew about his A. Thats why she wasnt being supportive of me early on. Before I knew there was OW, I also worried about drug use, as his personality change was so extreme. Um, yeah well if you didnt want a fight then you should have thought about that before you decided to sleep someone else and then dump me pretending to me that its all my fault that you did. The story about the first time I heard about runaway spouses also happens to support the idea that this is not a gender-specific phenomenon. LOL he actually quit playing so much golf and when he did he did it under 4 hours!!! But if he thought the A was the easy way out, he is finding out, that it isnt it wont be a carefree life, and not for a long while either. It sounds as though YOU have been trying. Thanks theFirstWife & ShiftingImpressions. I know theres lots of sites that purport you can fix your marriage alone. Well if people arent commenting how does she know??? I had to quit answering the phone during that time I had so many people calling offering to take me to dinner, go out etc but I just couldnt handle much stimulation. I dont know if MLC is diagnosable by an expert or if it even is described as a DSM in the psychology handbook like narcissism or cluster b personality etc. But the problem here is that if they had that great strength of character and integrity they would never have been unfaithful in the first place. The challenge for you is endurance. TryingHard, the vision of you in Pjs running wild is brilliant! So my h at the end of 3 months and even going to MC and talking and going back and forth decided he DID want a divorce. They are just awful. The emotional devastation is unbelievable. I said Nope, not going to happen. Big fraud! It may already be too late. We date 5 years. The wedding was called off, and Priya stayed at a friends house in Bangalore to get away from everything where, at last, she heaved a massive sigh of relief. What timid forest creature was he at the time a weasel, a snake, a skunk, or was he being a real (wood) pecker? I offered every kind of support you can imagine. So today there was no more discussion of R or MC. Many people have been wrongfully lynched or imprisoned in America for callous white women making up stories, and even if no such phantom patsy Hispanic was strung up on charges for Ms. Runaway Bride, it certainly would support the stereotype that is harmful to many other similarly situated Latinos. Whatever happened on that trip (and shortly before it when you picked up on things) well I doubt the outcome would be different unless you convinced him to see a Dr for his illness and everything else. Im thinking H will never get it in terms of the impact. Sadly you have to move on and continue your life without him. On some days that fear is overwhelming. My Dad was shocked I think. She called me that night how he was lying on the sofa crying. Now the family has a stroller with Dimkoy. " He did relent a bit on the day of moving out his personal effects. 8. Satori I know the damage of this is permanent. Weve grown apart. Yep blood is thicker than water and the big dummy went for the shortest most despicable straw. And Satori: I think we all get to a point of clarity and strength. My reasoning was simply for my kids. How do I know because this is exactly what worked in my favor. I wish there was more insight/information into what makes someone capable of this kind of cold, unempathetic, behaviour? His behavior is getting better all the time and some of his actions make it clear he loves me, but he still feels nothing and the idea of feeling to him is repulsive. He was going to MC and lying his ass off. Just had to get all the toxic feelings out that he created in me. We are here when you need us. Many critics of the mass media attacked the coverage as a "media circus". H wanted an OW who said yes to everything, never challenging him, and putting up with his self-described nastiness. And indeed he got exactly what he was looking for. Be forgiving of yourself and go outside and enjoy the simple things. H: Yes I know, but you wont trust me again. In many cases, the explanation involves a combination of these reasons. We get through it with work and fortitude and determination and hope but you dont.get.over.it. Ive been putting in strong boundaries with anyone in my orbit. But not after totally securing my home! Can one really have 2 midlife crisis?? Whatever. It is meant for you and I am just the messenger. Its confronting, no doubt. This makes it really easy to see where one is on the spectrum of R D when you put all actions and not just words through that OAR / BED filter. H does not like hard limits but thinks it is ok to push me until I am at my wits end and then complain about how I react when I get there. Thank you Puzzled for tuning in. And thats when things started to change. You will come back a different woman. Loaded in with a few remember when situations that came up naturally, even one arose from the owner of the restaurant who came over to chat. Santori. Change the PW on your joint accounts OR take money out and put it in an account in your name. Not necessarily. The only way to go forward after such devastation is insisting on a relationship that is honest and commited. I couldnt care less about what anyone thinks about my potty mouth. Thats when I came home like a freaking house on fire and thru down the gauntlet. Although, if we do not reconcile, Im glad that at least I went out on a high!! What a crock of bull on the unhappy for years statement! You tell it like it is. Thought it might be doable. And if she really wants to see me lose it she better never try it again!!! I love that you dont mince words. That tells you he doesnt think any of this is his doing. Not only that, as he was always doing the wrong thing but she had made him so it was time to bail. Secondly I have done my sums, paperwork and legal but its all just sitting there until I green light that step. My father thankfully recovered and is out of the ICU now. Dont give him a chance to stomp off. Thanks for the positive thoughts! My guess is he actually likes your dominance whether or not its true. That may be a make or break moment. We are in this together.it just makes the burden of it all somewhat lighter. And maybe with a different outlook and attitude. The long and the short of it is that every time I have confronted him or turned the tables, I have bit by bit gotten him to act a little more like his old self with me, and if anyone has an MLCer, you know how hard that is to get them to do. We come here, where we are not quite so aloneand all of that Rage Sorrow and Pain needs to come out one way or another. No one told you were supposed to do it you do it because your heart tells you to. It's one thing "love to the grave" in a free "flight", because no one really owes anything to anyone. It wasnt worth it to her as my h had spent thousands and thousands rebuilding her hovel. SatoriI like your take on the drama thing. H believes I should leave business and get a job (even though Im a 50% owner!! And that turned the tables on him. "Runaway Bride" Exhibits Trauma Symptoms Case Highlights Trauma's Impact on Future Relationships and the Need for Resolution Theresa Burke, Ph.D Just about everyone has been talking about Jennifer Wilbanks, a 32- year-old medical assistant from Atlanta, who had been scheduled to get married last month in front of 600 guests and 28 attendants. I had suggested dinner (as he had canceled the previous one last night) but he wouldnt agree yet he was staying in tonight and had no plans. Thats the trick we have to remember. Its Friday night here, and you know what? To the wider friends and in-laws: part of the shame stems from the fact that the runaways seem very adept at putting out the smear campaign that says a BS was controlling and abusive and that theyd been soooo unhappy. Its expected hed say that crap because as usual hes a cliche and taking all this stuff from the cheaters handbook. They are all there right from the script in the manual. Emphasis on the may and only with irrefutable proof the EA has ended and the Runaway H has a plan to make clear his complete remorse and urgent amends on all fronts. Eventually I went in the house and they put me to bed. I dont like Switzerland but I should have just listened and offered her support. For the record, he denied it. NC is best idea. But your Dad sounds like a class act.lean on himyou simply cant do this alone. Revenge? For me, R (which in my definition stands for Remorse AND Reconciliation) can only happen when H clearly demonstrates he has shifted to above the line thinking. Be that as it may, you have a right to your opinion. And women abandoning their husbands is not a new thing either. In fact, a suicide would have at least brought some kind of closure in the sense that all of the children would know where their mother was and still have an untarnished image of their mother. He is younger than my H and in his late 20s. Maybe your lawyer can get you some kind of power of attorney since hes being wholly uncooperative with regards to business. Because what else is there. I am his wife. We are driven to be part of a clan. Puzif youre checking on satori I think shes gone on her two week trip. Plus.gotta love that sense of humor that you have. As you read I finally went on a trip to California. They also deserved a lesson as they made us feel so bad about our bogan roots let alone how it made us feel to even know Satoris family. Mimi. The CS has to rationalize and project so they come up with some doozies! Thanks so much Shifting Impressions. No kids. Time is your friend. I know my W is still involved with the OM caught her meeting him, lying about it a few weeks ago. Good. People need to know where we stand and what we will tolerate. I also just read about some doctor who is trying to raise the notion of infidelity as a form of emotional abuse that needs to be as recognised as physical assault. To have the inability to move on and allow yourself to be insulted is pointless and shows a real lack of maturity. OK Im worried about your joint business and financial assets. And on and on it goes.with the stupidity, Satori. 3. Push / pull baby. Scaring the hell out of the OW was certainly a trump card for me. So I think you can say it but it wont be an option. Good dont let him drag you into what sounds like his pity party. I doesnt seem so Its HIS character that is on trial not mine, so why do I need to give any assurances about the trust I will give him when he is not giving me anything in terms of actual, proper and unequivocal remorse????? Subscribe to iDiva and never miss out on the fun! But dont give it too long. You know the truth..hang on to that. But, since I had been on my own for quite a while, there was no childhood bedroom to which I could return. Every word. Life at this time seems like a holiday to be drunk like intoxicated wine and enjoy the pleasure it has received. Teary. I am calling this post The Runaway Spouse Syndrome because this is not necessarily a gender-specific phenomenon. Hi Trying Hard That way I wont get triggered. I must not get caught up in being the victim and pity. In our FOO males are the only people who are allowed to hold power, women must know their place and simply breed and bring in money so we can do what we want. She is a good person. What is it grandpa said, fish or cut bait? Divorces take time and theres notice after notice and discovery papers and court dates that are made. lol I even called her and said come and get him hes all yours. Just come over, lets have some Thai takeaway and watch a movie, we can just chill out. More tears. So, update: I presented the financial release but as I did I wanted to verify that if the third party (OW) was still in communication with him that he could get a lawyer and I would no longer be nice or reasonable. Im pretty sure Im the one who was just fucked over!!). I let him move in with me and h. I had so much fun with him. Again, I understand this journey is about putting energy into me and not him however I am a person that needs to process everything. Then I left to go home. But because it represents a smear of my life and my version of my own happiness, it has really struck at the core of who I am an what I thought was real. I hope they are prepared to clean up after him the rest of his life. then after about 8 months offer him less $ paid in full in 3-6 months. Just returned from what seems like another galaxy. A side I never would have thought possible now existed within him and came out at gale force 5. But Im ok with that. An hour later they come and present the same thought like it was their own iriginal thought. She turned them down for two different personal reasons. ]. And I was almost finished too. And yes, you are so right: all the real human angels are here on this site. Through tears, H said he needed ten minutes. They tried talking sense but he was having none of it. He dumping me for someone else! My fair, rationally minded husband was gone. As others have stated, so sorry you are going through this. But she never said anything about it to me. Thats when I got my systemic anti anxiety meds. They are frantic to get to a western civilization. I thanked him for a lovely night. Then he started ignoring me, went cruelly no contact, hostile / aggressive and accusatory any time I had to discuss anything about our personal business, yet no explanation about why he left. The thing that makes me believe it was, at least partially, a MLC is this: she kept saying things like when is going to be my turn to do what I want and its time for my happiness and other things to that affect.